Look into the crystal ball

My friend Gwyn sends me all kinds of forwards. Some religious, some about animals, some about girl power. Honestly, who has time to read all of these. And despite whatever feel-good messages that the spam is supposed to represent, there's always some cheesy line at the end that says you must send it to at least 5 people or else your unborn children will have deformities and an asteroid will obliterate your house. Oh and you must send it back to the person who sent it to you. I don't get the reasoning behind that. You must also make a wish. I don't think I really know how to make a wish...do you address it to someone, do you have to say please. And it has to also be reasonable, like you can't wish for a million dollars, or for your homework to finish itself, or to suddenly become a genius. Anyhow, my inbox is full of this recent barrage of "read and pass this on" e-mails, still in bold, because I haven't read them yet. I did click on one of them today though. It seemed pretty benign. I made a point of checking out one that seemed neutral, like no religious undertones, nothing sappy, or required you to make 10 wishes while you scrolled down. It was a pretty simple one, look up your birthdate on a list, which leads you to your horoscope, under the categories of trees (rather than a zodiac sign). The calendar was divided into 39 blocks, each represented by a tree. I thought this was better than a zodiac which only has 12 signs. So I looked mine up, between March 11-March 20. I'm not really into horoscopes. It sort of defies any logic. Like anybody born within the same monthly period as me has similar characteristics as I do. I suppose as humans we feel so many different emotions that at some point, you are going to make a connection with what a horoscope proclaims. They usually are so generic too that many people can fit into a broad stereotype. Well I, according to this e-mail, fell from a lime tree. This is what it had to say about that:

"Lime Tree (the Doubt) -- intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal."

Holy crap. Could this be any more accurate? I mean, at this point in my life, it's pretty damn accurate. It probably wasn't the me a few years ago, but I'd say all in all, this is pretty good. I'm still not a believer in horoscopes, but do I ever love coincidences. I looked up the birthdays of some people I know, and it didn't seem to pertain to them. Well maybe it was 50% accurate, but I guess the best person to truly judge that is oneself.

I think I was a little dismayed about the "the Doubt" in brackets because that is a very pessimistic word. Sure I have doubts, but I would have rather seen something more optimistic like the other trees got, like "the Faithfulness; the Honesty; the Sensibility; the Noble-Mindedness; the Good Taste; the Extraordinary; the Brave; the Wisdom; the Independence of Mind; even the Mysterious."

These horoscopes really don't accomplish much. I mean, so what if I'm all of these things, I already knew that to begin with. I want a real fortune told of the future. Well at least I didn't have to make a wish at the end. The e-mail made a mild suggestion that we should send it to friends as well as send it back to the person who sent it. Sorry Gwyn, you're not gonna get it back. Unless threatened by death due to man-eating spiders, I'm not doing it.