A glimpse into the past

I am home this holiday season. Much of the time has been spent catching up on non-career related things and that includes avoiding the books and doing more fun things. I'll give more details in another post. Anyway, I spent some time looking for an old English essay that I wrote in OAC. This essay was one of the first essays that we had to write during that year and I remember it because it was a personal essay, not some book report or poem analysis. Although I do admire the written language and those who choose it as a life-long career, English was never close to being my favourite subject.

After a few hours of trying to track down my old English notes (yes, remarkably I keep all of my old school work), I finally found it. I thought that I should find this essay because it was written six years ago when I was in high school, and sometimes I feel like I was a big dumb-ass in high school. However, I do think that this essay was rather poignant and an interesting personal reflection. Given that I am in a period of uncertainty in my life, I wanted to see how much I had changed in six years, but instead, I found that deep down I am still the same.

This essay was inspired by another essay that we had read in class called "Three Passions." I remember this because when my teacher read my essay aloud to the class she made a snide remark, "this essay was overall well-written and succinct but it lacks some creativity in the title." My essay was entitled "My Three Passions" haha! And since it is short, I am going to reproduce it in this entry:

My Three Passions

September 11, 2000

Three passions play distinct and integral roles in my life. The gaining of acceptance, the constant effort for self-improvement and the desire for playing and watching sports are irreplaceable aspects in my existence. If these passions should ever cease to exist, like fine and intricate threads, they would unravel the weave of my individuality.

I have tried to gain acceptance from three places. First and foremost, I yearn for the approving nod of my family, for it gives me satisfaction of immeasurable and priceless value. Secondly, I seek acceptance from my friends. The acceptance that I seek is not in the sense of popularity, but for the meaningfulness of a friendship - in that my friends accept me for who I am and they are grateful for what I have to offer. Finally, I have tried to gain acceptance from myself, for I am my harshest critic. Acceptance lends great rewards to human emotion. When gained through hard work, it can be the most fulfilling feeling in the world.

In order to feel accepted, one must be the best he or she can be. As I am far from the ideal that I hold myself to become, self-improvement is a continuous priority. My aspirations for re-invention and skill addition are fueled by the respect that I have of the high talents of others. I admire the writer who has the gift and ability to use the perfect word to express an exact emotion and can fill page after page with endless thought. I admire the speaker who can speak eloquently about the ancient Roman ruins, the endangered species of the world, and the intricacies of politics and economics. I admire the gymnast who can flip in the air with effortless precision. I admire the psychologist who understands another human mind as much as his or her own. Finally, I admire the artist who can capture a moment in time with bold creativity. All of these talents and many more, throughout my lifetime, will inspire me to become a greater person.

Although I appreciate and strive to achieve the goals of the people I look up to, I am proud to hold significant achievements of my own, especially in the area of sports. This is where my competitive edge, emotional fortitude, trained reflexes and strategic nature are tested and displayed. Athletics provide physical exercise, but equally so mental exercise. Involvement in sports, whether it is participating or spectating, is enjoyable and thrilling. I crave to play the sport, hit the shot down the line, and make the double play. It is the ultimate high.

These passions are my motivators - motivators that define who I am. I am this person today because of my passions and they will continue to define my life for years to come.

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Touche. Pictures will be posted soon.

Aren't I vain?

My hair smells like a coffee shop...mmm that's good....

Going through my usual phases again. Finding something I like and doing it obsessively for a short while. Right now it's nail polish. I got a manicure after my exam and I re-did my nails again yesterday.








Annie and I with jewelled nails.

New habits: Cutting tags off my clothes. Brushing my hair with my new hair brush.

Another fracking Sunday.

It's December. It feels like it's been a while since I have blogged, and alas this is true. I am sort of forgetting the hang of it already. So December in Toronto. It hasn't snowed much. I think only once. The temperature has been ominously hovering around zero for the longest time, never really willing to take a side and stay there long. The big one is really going to come any time soon. It already hit London...Andi and Jenn both have awesome snow pictures and I heard reports that London had its first SNOW DAY in 25 years???? I could have sworn that I've had a snow day before, but in fact, I think that those days (back at Montessori) were just pseudo-snow days for those who travelled a long distance to get to school. I always managed to make it to school on those days...what a bummer, but at least we never actually did real school work on those days. Do we ever get snow days as adults??? I wonder....

(as I'm writing this it sounds like someone is sawing a piece of wood with a hand-saw in an adjacent apartment. My imagination makes me think it is actually a rambunctious dog, angry that its owners have left it alone, and has decided to rip up the carpet.)

I wonder why I haven't been writing. Is it because I'm busy? Maybe. Sometimes I'd rather go to bed than to write. But damn, writing is so therapeutic. If I don't write, I feel like I'm bottling something up...even if I tend not to write about those things that I am bottling. Consider it a cathartic process, somewhat likened to songwriter's angst or expression through means of arts or sports.

I woke up yesterday morning with a most terrifying feeling, brought on by a bad dream. Vivid as it was, the events were complete fabrications of my imagination, but they were based on horrible experiences and past fears. Memories and thoughts that I cannot get out of my mind. It would take an alien abduction or Alzheimer's or maybe hypnosis to suppress them. I think really it's the season that is causing me troubles. Has it really been a year?

I read on someone else's blog that the bad times, no matter how insignificant they were in the grand scheme of things, tend to stand out. Why? Because maybe they were the most recent of times and maybe they were the most intense feelings of all.

Denial. Disbelief. Stun. Betrayal. Lies. Trust. Loyalty. Feelings and virtues, what are they but abstract things. Sometimes I'm a complete mess!

Speaking of betrayal, is it not betrayal if someone is your friend because they have feelings for you? A betrayal of your trust or a betrayal to the formed relationship - if the reason that they wanted to be near you was because they had a vested interest; if the possibility is not there that it becomes a reason to no longer be your friend? How sad we humans are sometimes.

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On another note, I've discovered an amazing TV series, seeing as LOST is on a hiatus, and both Project Runway and ANTM have finished. It's called 'Battlestar Gallactica'. Albeit a friggin "sci-fi" series, I think of it more like a combination of Star Wars, The Matrix and The Terminator all rolled into one-it's altogther suspense, mystery, philosophy and social commentary. If I thought harder, I think I could come up with better examples, but it's getting late at this point. My roommate, who is a bit of a sci-fi fanatic handed me the dvd's and I was hooked from the first pilot. It watches like a movie, which I like! It has lots of twists and turns, and it manages to stay fresh (at least through the first season so far). Tricia Helfer is in it too, and she astounded me with her acting ability, au contraire to her "acting" in CNTM. I have to comment that the acting all-around as well as the visual effects are excellent. I'm just stunned that in the apparent future, when there are only 50, 000 humans left in civilization, the majority of them are caucasian (a slight oversight by the creators of the show). Anyhow, I quite like their adaptation from the F-word to another F-word: frack. Now they can fracking say whatever the frack they want to say to show more emotion when things get really fracked up or when someone thinks that someone else is a frack-up and wants to tell them to frack off. Whoa that was so much fun!

Frick-frack.

Watch it, it's awesome.