Open to any suggestions

This is a pic of the kitty that we've been taking care of for the last 2 weeks. My roommate is so attached to him that I fear I will have to comfort him when we have to give the cat back to the humane society. The reason I call it 'kitty' or 'cat' is because it is nameless and I'm holding out my reserved cat name for when I get my own to keep. So I am open to any suggestions, just not Oreo or Socks. I'm pretty sure that those names make up at least 10% of the cat names out there.

In a funk

Why do I sorry for myself when there are people in the world suffering so much more than I am? Now I'm not talking about poverty in third world countries, or homeless people on Yonge...fortunately there are people who care deeply enough for them to do something about it. And if I could properly take care of myself, then I would probably be able to do something for them as well. But I'm talking about the people who have shared their life stories with us recently and who serve as examples of survivors of traumatic experiences.

For one, the man who had one of the most severe types of strokes, who managed to go from not being able to speak at all and being physically paralyzed to being able to regain motor function and walk on his own. A young woman around my age spoke to us about her fiance who died by electrocution on a job site. She spoke so passionately, with a waiver of emotion in her voice, but she was still able to remain stoic. Her life's devotion now is to prevent workplace deaths from ever occurring. And the girl in our class who shared with us that her fiance is dying of ALS.

These stories are shining examples of people who are dealing with or have overcome adversity. They share with us their deepest and most personal events that are without doubt the most impactful events of their lives. Sometimes when I'm feeling low, I think to these examples and wonder if the things going on in my life even compare to what they went through. It puts some things into perspective if you will. But at the same time, it would be foolish to focus on external or unrelated examples to help solve my problems. So the question is, what can I do to solve my problems?

Random

When the weather report is unreliable, I start to lose faith in the system. Just before leaving my place in the morning, I turned on the tele to see what the weather forecast of the day would be. Rain, they called for. So I grabbed my umbrella so as not to repeat what happened yesterday when I went out to study - it was drizzling rain, I had no umbrella and I had to run back upstairs to get it.

Today, umbrella in tow, I made my way downstairs and the lady in the elevator informed me that the weather prospects looked to be sans rain. Alas, the sun was shining when I got out the front door. I really should have just looked out my window... Still I carried my rather non-compact umbrella to school. Perhaps the rain would come later in the day. Anyhow, I like my umbrella. It's got a gimmicky contraption to it. It's got a retractable plastic covering that is convenient for closing over the closed umbrella once you get indoors, therefore keeping the water from transferring to your clothes or anywhere else. This umbrella is quite a novelty, a find from Chinatown, San Fran. No matter where I go with it, the umbrella always receives curious or funny looks.

Today though, when I brought it to school, one of my classmates made a comment about the umbrella. She said, "We call the plastic cover 'the umbrella condom'." Arrrr...call it a sock, a hat, a shield, but not a condom! Hearing that said changes everything, it somewhat devalues what it is. I can't look at my umbrella the same way!

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Talking to another classmate tonight, she was telling stories about her Lavalife dating experience. She said that she basically had a date from hell. She was pretty well uninterested in the guy from the get-go. They had less things in common than a door knob and jello, and thought she was giving off the "I'm not interested" signs. Apparenty he didn't catch on because he tried to give her a massage during dinner at a restaurant, walked her home, and sent a post-date "can I see you again?" e-mail. Once again proving the observation that guys don't understand subtle hints. Needless to say, that was enough to turn her off from Lavalife forever. On the contrary, there are a couple of other girls in my class who have had success with Lavalife, which I guess goes to show that normal people do try out internet dating (at least on the female side). However, the whole idea still scares the crap out of me, and therefore something I would only try if all traditional methods fail.

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Bless Oprah Winfrey for saying things that people just need to hear. It's no wonder that she has such a huge female following because she (and the guests on her show) says things that are so poignantly true, mainly from the female perspective. If men believe that they can't figure out the female species and need some window into her world, I would suggest watching Oprah. I don't watch her show regularly, but when I do, I'll be the first to admit that I like it a lot. Sometimes you might just pick up a tid-bit of good advice.

Here's one: "To keep your relationship strong and connected, tell your significant other one thing that you appreciate about them every day."

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Well it's off to dream-land for me. These days, I actually don't look forward to sleeping that much. My dreams seem to take control. It's not as though I don't enjoy sleeping, but my dreams have been so real in my mind that sometimes when I wake up, it takes me a while to realize that I was just dreaming and for the residual feeling left behind from the dream to wear off. The line between fantasy and reality seem to blur into one big state of confusion. "Did I actually say that? Did I actually experience that?" I often ask myself when I wake up. I'm afraid one day I'll be telling a story about myself, only to realize it was something I actually dreamt! Ahh, I wonder what it will be tonight....

Stream of consciousness

It is so unbelievably warm in my place that the Lindor chocolates sitting on my kitchen table are melting in the wrappers. Inspired by the warm weather earlier in the week I decided to go for an evening walk downtown at 11pm. I think it was Monday or Tuesday when the weather was up to 20 degrees. I made my way to the Marriot hotel and around the corner I heard some running water, a fountain in fact. It was the Trinity Square. How did I not know about this place? It was so beautiful at night. The soothing sound of water, flowing over rough cut stones along, carved out the pathway into the "garden". Downtown Toronto seriously lacks some green space, so it was nice to see something resembling a garden. I ended up walking through the Square for a few minutes and I think I came upon a really serene place. I could probably bring a book there and read it peacefully. I haven't seen it during the day though, so it probably feels very different compared to night time.

What a contrast to today's weather. Cool, windy and rainy. I wanted to go out for a walk tonight as well, but I'm really not feeling in the mood for it.

Let's see, I studied in the afternoon, after hanging out with the cat for a bit. Oh yes, did I mention, I am fostering a cat right now? So far he is nameless. We just call him kitty right now. Isn't that sad? He deserves to have a name, and it seems quite improper that he doesn't have one, but I am lacking some creative juices right now. I'm tempted to just call him Bob. Although he's small for a male cat, he's super cute and he has a lot of zeal. He's not afraid to "talk" to you when he wants something - usually what he wants is attention. If he had the choice to lie on a pillow, or lie on your lap, he would choose the lap. Whenever he wants to find a place to lie down he does this thing where he pokes whatever it is that he wants to lie on, which can be pretty comical if that happens to be your stomach. His fur is mostly black with white patches and he looks a little silly with various parts of fur having been shaved off for surgery. Honestly he is the most affectionate cat that I have ever met! He constantly wants attention. However, he refuses to take his pills. I attempted to give him his pills (ie forced them into his mouth) but he is clearly knows what I'm up to and spits them out as soon as I let him go. Even a veteran cat owner couldn't make him take them. So instead, I'm grinding up the pill and putting it into his food. I think he knows that I'm doing that as well because it looks as though he eats around the area where the pill powder was put. He has certainly changed the complexion of this household. Often times, I feel a little tickle in my nose and find out that there's a little cat hair there! haha. Ok that's kind of gross. But anyhow, I guess it's nice to know that there's a little guy at home, waiting for you.

I'll post a pic once I figure out how to use this card reader for my camera.

So back to the studying part. I went to the hospital to study for a bit, found a cozy little room. I spread out all of my belongings on the table: binder, pencil case, container of cut vegetables, jelly beans, coffee, and Twix. After a couple of hours, my mind was wandering and I ended up thinking about the term narcissism, relating to a personality disorder, and a topic oft studied in psychology. I was trying to think of the name of the other personality disorder that I studied in psych....had something to do with attention-seeking behaviour, self-centredness, someone exhibiting extreme emotionality. I tried to figure out what this word was for several minutes, just as a mental exercise. I even invoked my own method of remembering the characteristics of the disorder, using a person whom I thought fit the description. But I couldn't trigger anything. I was sitting there at the desk, looking at myself in the mirror which was annoyingly hung in front of the desk (how can you not look at yourself?), and the word suddenly came to me. "Histrionism." Now I'm not saying that I'm any of those things, but I thought it was pretty ironic that I was able to think of the word while doing an essentially egotistical act such as looking at oneself in the mirror!

(Definition of histrionic personality disorder: Individuals with Histrionic Personality Disorder exhibit excessive emotionalism--a tendency to regard things in an emotional manner--and are attention seekers. Behaviors may include constant seeking of approval or attention, self-dramatization, theatricality, and striking self-centeredness or sexual seductiveness in inappropriate situations, including social, occupational and professional relationships beyond what is appropriate for the social context.) That's not me ;)

Food for thought: Isn't it interesting how a relationship can be a distraction for one party and a source of comfort and relief the other.

Bus folk

Generally a bus ride home these days includes listening to my iPod while closing my eyes for some rest, usually encouraged by reading some class notes. I don't usually make it a habit to talk to strangers on the bus.The last two experiences (round trip) from this past weekend were completely different.

On the way up, at 8:30 am I was in no mood to talk; it was too damn early. It was a full bus and I probably got one of the last seats on the bus. But in no time, I was sleeping - I didn't even need to bring out the iPod. Then halfway through the trip, I got a tap on the shoulder. The guy next to me wanted to go to the bathroom, so I woke up, shifted my legs over and moved all of my bags from the ground so that he could walk through. Then I waited until he came back and got re-organized again to fall asleep. Just as I closed my eyes again, I he started to talk to me..."so are you from Toronto? What are you doing in Toronto? blah blah blah..." I didn't really want to carry on the conversation, seeing as I would rather be sleeping. But then I resisted this urge and decided to just be polite and have a chat. He told me that he was from London, finished taking a computer graphics course in college. "Fanshawe?" I said. To which he replied with a furrowed brow..."how did you know?"..."because you said that you went to college, not university, which means you didn't go to UWO. And fanshawe is pretty much the main college in London." Then he proceeded to talk about his program, to which he showed little enthusiasm, and said about 5 times that my program is hard and he would never be able to do it. We are obviously completely different. Somehow we got on the topic of ethnic origin. He asked if I was Chinese. Yes I said. Why does that question always seem interrogating? Like as though my answer might somehow qualify me into some club, depending on how you look at things. Then he goes, "oh, I thought you might have been Vietnamese because you dress like a Viet, not a Hong Kong, Chinese." Reality check. I am Canadian, I grew up here, therefore I would not dress like I am from Hong Kong. There are some crazy perceptions out there. I mean, all I have to do is speak a few words and you would know that I was raised here. Anyhow, I made the obligatory comment, "so you are Vietnamese I take it." To which he was even more perplexed that I knew that. I think with all of the evidence put together, usually if someone makes a comment about your ethnic origin, ie. like this lady who stopped me on Bay St. to ask me for directions to the nearest subway, but first said, "Are you Filipino?" must obviously be Filipino. If it walks like a duck...then you know...at least 90% of the time, and usually percentages are a good way to go.

OK, so I also happened to hear him talking on the phone earlier in the trip, in Vietnamese, so that was a dead giveaway. He did not recall doing this. The conversation ended up in him asking me if I like to go out in London, etc., etc., and if I was going downtown that weekend. We all know where this is going, so I shrugged of his suggestive questions, told him that I was there to spend time with my family (he was also baffled at this concept), and that I had a lot of school work to do (also a concept that did not jive well with him). But anyhow, I had to make it somewhat clear that I wasn't likely going to see him downtown. Man I'm a bitch. Haha. Ok I actually would have been a bitch if I didn't talk to him at all.

So that was my ride up. On the ride back, I sat near the front, glad I even made it to the bus on time. My dad was pretty stressed when he was driving me, but I can't help it if I only had 10 minutes to eat dinner. I tried to work on editing my essay, but as dusk fell over London, it became pretty dark to see. The older lady sitting next to me, as if she read my mind, suggested that I turn on the overhead lights. I went to do that, but was disappointed by the dismal amount power in those 2 light bulbs. I was resigned to boredom and had to put my paper away. The lady next to me started to chat, boy was she chatty. She talked about her Easter visit with her son and grandkids. It was nice to hear her talk tenderly about her family. And as we got talking, I think I had a closer glimpse of her as a person. I think moreso than in the past, I have been trained in this past year to listen, to really listen to the subtleties of what people are saying. And as she opened up to me, I was able to really hear the things that she said, rather than take them at face value. I heard the things that were bothering her, for instance, that her daughter does not visit her because she won't drive in Toronto traffic; the manifestations of rheumatoid arthritis in her hands is something that she is very self-conscious about; and that she is surprised and grateful that she has a meaningful relationship with someone after being divorced for 19 years. It was actually so much nicer talking to this lady, instead of that other guy. Anyhow, I ended up giving her some motivation to exercise more, and some pointers in how to get started. That was actually the most rewarding part about talking with her. Looks like I'm in the right profession!

Gonna post some pictures soon....I figure that this blog needs some more variety!

Actual Beef

I love coming home. Really good meals that I only dream of making myself. I also love the green space. Being able to run around, on real grass and open space. It's so liberating to be here, to get away from the claustrophobia that is Toronto. It's so ironic that you can feel claustrophobic in such a big city.

Here's a sample of some of the food that I've had since coming home for the Easter weekend.
Lamb Shank
Sirloin Steak

Good momma quote while watching a laundry detergent TV commercial.
Mom: Hey look, penguins. They don't look like those penguins (from March of the Penguins).
Sis and me: That's because they're t-shirts!

Got beef?

First beef of the day: Why in my case can't the words $150 pair of jeans and functional zipper fit in the same sentence? Because apparently $150 can't make 3 inches of metal teeth interlock properly on a pair of new Guido and Mary's. Ok, I exaggerate, but having to stand in a public bathroom stall for 3 minutes trying to do up my zipper is unacceptable. It kind of reminds me of this pencil case that I made in Gr. 7 which had a zipper that, over time, would frequently split after pulling the slider along the teeth. I was able to figure out a secret jiggle to get the teeth to lock together and stay together, which baffled my classmates who tried in vain to zip it up, until someone eventually just broke it. I haven't figured it out the jeans yet, but I will not let a little zipper get in the way of making my investment worth it.

Second beef of the day: I'm quite sick of hearing one of my classmates talk about how she has this huge crush on this other classmate. This would not be a big deal if she didn't have a boyfriend, with whom she mentions having shopped for engagement rings. Crushes may be harmless, but in this case, she wishes for her crush to like her back, and I get the feeling as though if he were to reciprocate her feelings, she would ditch the boyfriend in a second. I think this is symptomatic of a person who is opportunistic when something seemingly better comes along; when the newer car model comes along, it's sleeker and shinier, although the old one works just fine. I really feel as though some people ought to acknowledge that what they have is good and tp nurture it and be happy with it. Albeit, I don't know all of the details about her relationship, but to disrespect the person that you are with in that manner is just, again, say it with me, unacceptable.

Third beef of the day: I think I need to make myself some more girl friends. All of the good girl friends that I have live in another city, and admittedly I've lost touch with some of them as well. I think having too many guy friends sort of changes me in a way. Although I think I tend to get along with them better, I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to females, while never fully understanding males either. Then there's the bad side effect of having your male friends like you. I used to have a good excuse to use as a deterrent for having them keep their platonic distance, but I guess in some ways men are really clueless, and tend to view friendliness from a female to mean that "there is a chance". This inevitably leads to awkward situations and in a sense, a feeling of betrayal. My friends are my friends. Don't get me wrong, I do really cherish some of the friendships I have with males, but I think I could use some more estrogenic influence.

Look into the crystal ball

My friend Gwyn sends me all kinds of forwards. Some religious, some about animals, some about girl power. Honestly, who has time to read all of these. And despite whatever feel-good messages that the spam is supposed to represent, there's always some cheesy line at the end that says you must send it to at least 5 people or else your unborn children will have deformities and an asteroid will obliterate your house. Oh and you must send it back to the person who sent it to you. I don't get the reasoning behind that. You must also make a wish. I don't think I really know how to make a wish...do you address it to someone, do you have to say please. And it has to also be reasonable, like you can't wish for a million dollars, or for your homework to finish itself, or to suddenly become a genius. Anyhow, my inbox is full of this recent barrage of "read and pass this on" e-mails, still in bold, because I haven't read them yet. I did click on one of them today though. It seemed pretty benign. I made a point of checking out one that seemed neutral, like no religious undertones, nothing sappy, or required you to make 10 wishes while you scrolled down. It was a pretty simple one, look up your birthdate on a list, which leads you to your horoscope, under the categories of trees (rather than a zodiac sign). The calendar was divided into 39 blocks, each represented by a tree. I thought this was better than a zodiac which only has 12 signs. So I looked mine up, between March 11-March 20. I'm not really into horoscopes. It sort of defies any logic. Like anybody born within the same monthly period as me has similar characteristics as I do. I suppose as humans we feel so many different emotions that at some point, you are going to make a connection with what a horoscope proclaims. They usually are so generic too that many people can fit into a broad stereotype. Well I, according to this e-mail, fell from a lime tree. This is what it had to say about that:

"Lime Tree (the Doubt) -- intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal."

Holy crap. Could this be any more accurate? I mean, at this point in my life, it's pretty damn accurate. It probably wasn't the me a few years ago, but I'd say all in all, this is pretty good. I'm still not a believer in horoscopes, but do I ever love coincidences. I looked up the birthdays of some people I know, and it didn't seem to pertain to them. Well maybe it was 50% accurate, but I guess the best person to truly judge that is oneself.

I think I was a little dismayed about the "the Doubt" in brackets because that is a very pessimistic word. Sure I have doubts, but I would have rather seen something more optimistic like the other trees got, like "the Faithfulness; the Honesty; the Sensibility; the Noble-Mindedness; the Good Taste; the Extraordinary; the Brave; the Wisdom; the Independence of Mind; even the Mysterious."

These horoscopes really don't accomplish much. I mean, so what if I'm all of these things, I already knew that to begin with. I want a real fortune told of the future. Well at least I didn't have to make a wish at the end. The e-mail made a mild suggestion that we should send it to friends as well as send it back to the person who sent it. Sorry Gwyn, you're not gonna get it back. Unless threatened by death due to man-eating spiders, I'm not doing it.

Incidental/Accidental

Never underestimate or underappreciate a relaxing stroll in the rain. Forget the umbrella, get yourself a little wet, pop in the earphones and off you go. Thank goodness my minipod is still working, I had a scare for a while. Today was a good day though, Massive Attack was playing. Many things are resolved in the rain, happy thoughts, sad thoughts. Sometimes, even tears blend with raindrops, and wash away without another person knowing. But as always, the clouds part and the sun comes out again.

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As I ascended into the street, on my way back from volleyball, I caught the eye of a stranger walking on the opposite side of Harbord. I crossed the street into his pathway a few strides ahead. He had a slight limp, maybe one leg was longer than the other. The reason why I mention him is because although we did not take the same route to our respective destinations, our paths crossed several times in that short journey. Picking up the pace as I normally do, I turned south onto Huron and waited at the traffic light across from Sidney-Smith to head toward Convo Hall. As I paused to J-walk through traffic, the guy with the uneven legs pauses next to me at the same light, although I was convinced he went north on Huron. He became impatient and continued down Huron. As the traffic gaped long enough to cross, I shuffled over to the other side and also continued down Huron, veered east down a driveway and hopped over a stone gate to get to King's Circle. I couldn't cross the circle because the grass is off-limits. This put a dent into my plans of taking a short-cut to my place. I passed between buildings toward University and College entranced by trip-hop beats. When I focused again on my surroundings, I thought to myself, wouldn't that just be a coincidence if I saw that clumsy looking guy with the black umbrella again? I crossed University, eyes on my feet, and when I look up, who do I see...yes, the same guy. I am certain he recognizes me too, and that we are both thinking that it couldn't be. I was really amused at this point, but I think looked perturbed as he tucked his eyes behind his tan Columbia ball-cap. We both waited shiftily at the corner until the light turned green, and crossed east on College. This time he picked up the pace, he started to leap and waddle as he attempted to jog. That's ok, I let him go. Seeing him three times was enough serendipity. One more block until I hit Bay, and there he was again, waiting for the light to turn green to cross. He fidgeted and looked back at me. "Damn" he said in his head, or at least that's what I read in his mind. When the light changed, he walked this time, gruffily, away as I turned south down Bay, and he continued down College. I looked at him one more time, as his arms swung along his heavy-set build, puddle water splashed up the back of his khakis after each footstep, and I smiled to myself. Now that was fun.

When I was young

I got to thinking that I don't take enough time to reflect on the past. Precious, memorable, stupid moments, it's so easy to forget these things. How different have I become, am I where I want to be, do I remember what I felt like when I was 16? I don't know the answers to these questions, but it just got me thinking about the past. So I've jotted down some memories from different stages in my life and here they are in no particular order.

When I was...
6 - I pinched boys' bottoms
8 - I cried with my mom in the car when she found out grandfather passed away
10 - I fought/made up with my best friend many times
11 - I had a crush on this guy named Spencer, a guy who didn't even know me
15 - I liked alternative music & waited for hours to hear songs on the radio so I could tape them and make mixed tapes
14 - I beat all the girls in my class at high jump; I came in 3rd against the boys (this is a feat considering I'm only 5'0" tall)
14 - I had my picture in the newspaper for slo-pitch
born - I looked like an alien
17 - I went to my first club
16 - I tried a cigar
19 - I met a nice M'sian boy
21 - I didn't make the badminton team and I was crushed
22 - I went to San Francisco and had the best trip ever
7 - I cried when my mom tried to cut my hair short
2 - I was in the hospital on IV fluids
17- I made my first dress
9 - I joined a softball league, although I didn't want to, but it ended up being the best thing
15 - I went to see Age of Electric, my favourite band at the time
16 - I earned the nickname Mokkasin from Mez
17 - I had my first kiss
18 - I played a prank on Alex and Cam with the gang
19 - I threw up at the Athletic Banquet (drank wayyyy too much on an empty stomach and little sleep)
23- I had my heart broken
24.......

I have this external image of being a tough girl. I'm not sure when it really started, but honestly I'm just soft mush inside. Sometimes I wish I was some subject of a Truman Show-esque life, and I was being watched by some social and behavioural pscyhologists (without me knowing) who were documenting my life and analyzing the events in my life that shaped the person I am today - because I'd really like to know how it has unfolded. I think I'm a dichotomous person. If I had to label myself, I'd be the girly tom-boy. I think I spent the earlier years of my life defending myself, trying not to be picked on, and dealing with dramatic friends. The product of these events has resulted in this person, someone who values only true and close friendships while being, for the most part, a guarded soul. Someone who dislikes drama, and perhaps goes out of her way too much to avoid conflict and to keep the peace. Someone who ought to be more blunt in saying what she means instead of being passive-aggressive. Someone who ought to speak truthfully and uninhibitedly. Someone who has been quiet for too long.

Lastly, a word of advice: If you know your actions will lead to regret, you already have the foresight of knowing not to take that action.