To go, or not to go

To go to the formal or not to go to the formal, that is the question. I think I have a record of actually having a good time at a formal at around 65%. I like dressing up, putting on make-up, doing my hair (although this has been a point of contention for me lately), and going some place nice. But if that involves getting sloshed and dancing to music I have no control over, then it is a decision I have to consider carefully...I'd rather go to a nice restaurant and dress up. This is just me personally. Formals for me are give or take, plus minus, take it or leave it. I don't think I would regret not going, but hey, I haven't done anything of significance in the last little while, so it might also be a good idea to go.

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24 on the brain

I'm all caught up to Day 2 of 24 (the tv series). I was reprimanded for calling it Season 2 by a die-hard fan so now I have to use "Day 2" so as not to offend any Jack Bauer fans out there. After seeing the finale of Day 2, I am pretty psyched about seeing Day 3...

Well the only reason I am writing this blog is to memorialize this quote from Tony Almeida: "It's like this, you either fire me or get out of my chair."

This is one of my favourite Jack Bauer facts: Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent. courtesy of http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty.

Seeing things in blue

Last week I went and did something that I've been wanting to do for a long time. I had been putting it off and I just couldn't stand it any longer. I bought some new pens.

Now you might think, how significant is that? Well you see, I used to take so much pride in my stationary. Ever since I was little, my favourite part about getting ready for school at the beginning of the year was the part where I got to go back-to-school shopping. I had a pen in every colour of the rainbow, I even had rainbow-coloured pens, sparkly pens, erasable pens, you name it. As a sign of the times, I stopped caring so much about my writing utensils and paid more attention to doing the work. Plus my pencil case was getting way too heavy; I needed to make more room for the books.

Typically I only have one or two pens in regular rotation...I had been using the quad-colour clicky pen, one in which the colours can be rotated to your liking. You see I am a picky girl when it comes to pens. I have to write in blue pen and I don't like the pens with fine-point. Those quad pens are a tricky thing because I tend to favour the blue, so when it runs out, it sort of loses its dynamic purpose. (This is what happened). Anyhow I was overwhelmed with the pen choices at the bookstore. It was kind of like a Starbucks experience...grande...low-fat...whipped cream...iced...caramel...macchiato. What is a macchiato anyway? So there I was, so many choices: ball-point, felt-tip, oil-based ink for smoother writing, ergonomic gel grip, 1.0 mm point, bold colour. Wow, it's like this whole market of blue pens that I never considered to have so much selection!! Alright, I was unnerved that they were all packaged and couldn't be sampled, because when it comes down to it, flashy words have no meaning. It's like when you go to an ice cream shop: if you want to really know what something tastes like, they let you sample it before buying. Alas, no such luck, so I blindly bought some blue pens, and though they are not perfect, life is back to normal, seeing my writing in blue.

Random: Who invented crunchy peanut butter? I accidentally bought it and I've been paying for it ever since...it is impossible to spread the stuff onto toast. I'm almost tempted to buy a blender so I can crush up the rest of the rogue peanuts.

School Random: When talking to a classmate about the up-coming exam, I inquired about whether the exam was cumulative. She said, "well it was discussed at the beginning of the class." I replied, "yeah I missed the first 5 minutes of class," to which she snidely said, "that's why you have to be punctual, whoops, I should really watch what I say." BURRRNNN. You could tell it was a remark she meant to say in her head.

In our problem-based learning session today I meant to give the answer: "acanthosis nigricans", but instead I said "agricans". Our tutor cracked up over it, and said she was going to use it one day. I have a tendency to blend words. For instance, this one I am really proud of: Sarah Jessica Parker = Sarica Parker.

I like our tutor, she's really knowledgeable and thinks about problems in such an astute way. She's damn intimidating though. She could eat me, and my unborn children for dinner. She's this British broad, with a lot of passion and ambition. She told us that she has taken down three would-be robbers. "Two of which will never have children" if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo....I should get back to studying.

I need a doctor

This is me procrasting. I should be studying, but I am so easily distracted. I have recently developed some symptoms that have been worrying me. I've been getting chest pains for the last week or so and I am diaphoretic (excessive sweating). The chest pain seems to come on at no particular time, but it feels quite constant, and I'm unaware of when it goes away. The sweating comes on quickly when I am in some unfamiliar social situations, but I've noticed now, that it happens even when I am talking to friends. I can't quite figure out what is happening or why, but I most certainly want it to go away. I even started to draw again today thinking that it would help me to relax, and though I really enjoyed it, the chest pain is still here. Maybe I need to see the bigger picture. I have an idea of what it is, but I'm not quite ready to disclose that yet.

Give me your oxygen in exchange for my carbon dioxide

For my birthday, my sister bought me a plant and although I do not know the name of the plant, I thought the flowers were very beautiful and interesting. They were a bold and red colour, with petals that drooped. Anyhow, as much as I wished to bring it with me to Toronto, I realized that it would probably die within a week. Since my place hardly gets any sunlight and the air circulation is very poor, I didn't think it was an environment for any plant to survive. Come to think of it, if a plant couldn't survive here, how can a human?? The idea of having a plant actually appeals to me. I never actually thought about it, but as a suggestion from one of my friends, I thought this idea has some merit. To take care of another living thing, no matter how small, might have its benefits. Firstly, for me, not to be so selfish. Selfishness is inherently important, but in times where I am self-loathing and self-depracating, it would be a reminder that it is unhealthy to be so self-involved. Two, I need something to take care of, and as small as a plant is, I want something to need me. Three, I wish to live in a more symbiotic environment. Four, don't indoor plants have a mood-altering effect such that one is generally happier? Well those four benefits sound reasonable to me, but it'll have to wait.

I seriously need to find a new place. I love my walk-in closet, but the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) needs to go.

(Oh I also learned today that your skin hardly produces any Vitamin D in the winter because the UV rays after the Fall are altered such that the stimulating effect disappears. There's no point to telling you this, but it is rather, a useless related fact.)

Craze

So since I had this break I took it upon myself to become pre-occupied with something. Usually I take on something very engrossing, such as a new sewing piece, or a piece of artwork, cleaning my room, or watching a lot of TV. This time I decided to take on something else. SUDOKU. Although this number puzzle craze started a couple of years ago, I hadn't even heard of it until recently when my sis brought out a Sudoku puzzle book over lunch last week. I found out that my mom spent hours trying to finish a puzzle that was cut out from a newspaper. The object of sudoku is simple. On a 9-by-9 grid, numbers from 1 to 9 must be arranged such that each number appears only once within any row, column and a 3-by-3 square in which the grid is divided. Needless to say, if it took my mom hours to work on the puzzle, I was determined to learn how to finish the puzzle in a much faster time. Let's just say that's incentive for me. It turns out that my mom had bought 2 brand new puzzle booklets.

There are typically 4 levels of difficulty, so I started on the easiest level first to get a feel for the game. Once I figured that out, I moved up to the 3rd level, thinking that moving straight to the 4th level would be a bit too arrogant. I managed to finish the first puzzle, picking up a few new strategies. Pretty soon, I was hooked, let's say addicted. The second puzzle didn't go so well, because I seemed to make too many assumptions and filled in numbers without fully checking my work. Later down the road, as I scanned the grid...two 8's in the same row. Nooooo, and then of course, I'm too far into the puzzle to figure out what and when it went wrong. So I just abandoned it. Haha. Then I tried another and another. Pretty soon, empty grids filled with numbers, and notes were scribbled around the periphery.

It literally takes hours to figure some of them out. You try one thing and when it doesn't work out, you try another. It's a ADD's worst nightmare: it requires concentration and focus. Sometimes you just stare at the paper, not writing a thing, and when it almost seems like you've tried everything, you catch something you didn't before, and you feel like you had a small flash of brilliance! *Thinks: Man I'm so smart! I bet nobody else figured that out, and that fast either!*

I actually wished that my sister would drive the car so that I could work on a puzzle during short drives to the mall. I'm not sure I can fully understand the craze, but I think it might have to do with the self-satisfaction that one feels when finishing one. There is a time element to the task as well and one could set a time goal or actually compete against another. Isn't that fun???

I kind of hope this mini-obsession doesn't last too long. I can forsee it to be a detriment to my studies.....

On a separate adventure, I had some fun this week with hair bleach. After applying it, I started to feel this burning sensation, but convinced I wasn't getting a rash, I persisted for those 8 tingling minutes. I also got my sister to try some on her arm and she said her arm burned too. She couldn't stand it and had to remove it. When she did, her hair didn't appear to change colour, but her skin did. I thought that was funny for a moment, but then realized that the same could also happen to me. Ah, what the heck, I didn't really care. But when it was all said and done, I got the achieved result and no harm done.

Then that night I had a dream that I went to get a tattoo. It was supposed to be on my arm and a bit on my torso. But when the tattoo was finished, I looked in the mirror, only to discover that the person had tattooed my neck and my face!! I had a butterfly tattooed across my cheekbones, centred on my nose. I was horrified, and then had to go to school the next day, where my classmates looked at me with equal horror. Then I had to wear tinted moisturizer for the rest of my life to cover the tattoo. I think that dream was a result of the day's events: watching Memoirs of a Geisha and applying burning hair bleach to my skin.

Nearing a quarter century

This week I celebrated my birthday. I am 24 years old. On days when I feel old, I am always reminded that I actually look 15. Like this time I went to my parents' annual university reunion a few weeks ago and people at our table could have sworn I was 15. Maybe it was the fact that nobody my age (except my sister) actually goes to these things and most likely the teenagers that did attend were dragged there by their parents. To the contrary I went for the 10-course meal. I think the creepiest thing about that night was that some guy, who looked 40, asked my sister to dance, and then proceeded to hit on me by telling me I looked like Ziyi Zhang. *Shudder* But despite looking young, I think I'm old enough to have a quater-life crisis. I thought it was a myth, but how could I have known?

My birthday was quiet, much more low key than it has been in the past. I set out to do 2 things: Spend time with my family and eat good food. And I think I accomplished that. I did, however, meet up with some old friends. Friends from different stages in my life. Wow, I can't believe Diana is so mature. She has a stable job, which she loves, and she says she might have met the one. Just remembering those times in high school, she's really come a long way and met her goals. And what an insightful person too. Duane is always good for a laugh: "I'll be on the probe all day. Anal-yzing."

I made my way back to UWO campus today. That visit also brought back a lot of memories. My how things change without you. New faces, new environment. But walking through the old corridors and buildings still felt familiar. It is so different there and so unlike Toronto. I think that I had been living in this pretty, protected bubble with shiny, fake people and I had yet to see the real world. Well it was a nice time while it lasted!

H. Simplex

So Mr. Pimple got pretty worked up that I didn't want him to hang around anymore, so he got his nasty older cousin, Cold Sore, to pay a visit. Humphhhhhhhhhhh. I haven't had a cold sore in a couple of years. The last time I had one was the day before my interview. I thought "great, what a good first impression I'm going to give". I also remember getting a comment from a classmate to this effect "hey, did you know you have Herpes on your face?". Thanks, buddy. That was pretty much the end of our pseudo-friendship. Seriously, there are just certain things you don't want to say to me otherwise I'll never talk to you again.

I looked up things that could trigger a cold sore to re-emerge. Ultraviolet light. Nope, I haven't seen too much sunlight these days. Around menstruation. Nope. Illnesses such as cold or flu. I was sick last week, but I don't think that's the cause. Physical or emotional stress. Ahhhh. Yes I think we have a winner. I don't want to be stressed anymore!!

Well I guess today was nice. Not all the unexpected visitors were unwanted. I met up with a high school friend and we caught up and had some dinner. My advice for today: Don't underestimate the power of a hug. It really can give you all the comfort in the world.

Story-books

I hate acne! Acne in general is bad. When it's on my face, I hate it even more. Go away you stupid red, inflamed spot. I hate you so much I can't stop picking at you so you will go away, only to make you worse so that you stay much longer than you should and you also invite your friend, other red pimple.

Annoyed. That's the word for today.

Ok I'm going to be honest. I mean really honest. We were having a discussion tonight about daily mysteries, death and coping. I couldn't help but think that some comments sounded phony. For instance, in general terms, I feel frustrated if I have identified a problem but I don't know the cause. Does discovering the cause necessarily create relief and comfort? I don't think so. If you can't do anything about the cause to get rid of the problem, knowing the cause propagates more frustration and helplessness. Amongst my peers, so many times I hear people say things that people want to hear, and not necessarily the truth. If you feel like shit today, say you feel like shit. Not that you didn't shit and that even if you did, it would smell like roses anyway.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a half-glass full person, nor am I a half-glass empty. I'm either on any given day. And it may not be that far of a stretch to say that some people just never frown. But what I truly want is realness. Tell me how it really is, not how it ought to be in story-book endings. I don't think I believe in those right now.

Shorty

On a scale of 1-10 how normal do I feel today? I'd have to say 5.
In a good way or bad way? Well I would probably describe my abnormality as being related to my mood. I don't exactly feel like myself lately and I guess not feeling like yourself could be considered bad. We'll see how the remainder of the week turns out.

I survived the exam on Wednesday. But to be honest, I can't say I remember much of what was on the exam or the stuff I needed to know for it. I'm still working on depositing useful and relevant information into long-term memory. I don't have much time to ponder this (or can't afford the time to) as more work ahead seems to put this issue on the backburner. Although it is always there, festering...

This concern leads me into the FACT OF THE DAY:
How much of new information is retained? 1%.
And how much repetition is required to commit something to long-term memory? 55 times!!!!

Frig. This is bad news for me. 55 times???

Twice this week pizza has been delivered to my apartment. And no, despite the fact that I have been studying for exams, I did not order pizza. Perhaps I could have paid for it and not have had to make my own dinner. Nah. The last time I ate a whole pizza was.....never.

OK so last night I was really disturbed. I went to sleep at around midnight. My neighbour chronically plays loud music, and he turned it down slightly because he got a noise complaint (*which technically didn't come from me*). Nonetheless, I can still hear the music, it is just faintly heard. Anyhow, last night I heard something different. Sporadic screaming (a male voice). "AHHHHHHHHH........NOOOOOOOOOO....ERRRRRHHHHHH......BLEEEEEEEEE......"
OK what the hell? Does anybody else have to listen to this? It wasn't sexual or anything, at least I hope not. It sounded like someone was exalting in pain. D-sturbing. No wonder I woke up all groggy and in a strange mood.